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The Jerk Store Called: Week 3 – Toronto at Montreal
Here we go!
I had a tough time picking a game to discuss this week. Calgary vs. Winnipeg was high on my list if only because a guy almost died because he swallowed his mouthguard. Are you kidding me? We could have had the first on-field fatality in professional sports since God only knows when and it was a guy swallowing his mouthguard. In the list of all-time wagers, who would have bet on “moutguard fiasco” over “hellacious helmet-to-helmet hit” or “line drive to the face” or “Dustin Johnson in contention late in a major errant iron shot”? Mercifully, Alex Suber is not dead. I bet he gets one of those straps to attach the thing to his mask from now on, though. Later on in the game Buck Pierce got hurt, I think because it was kind of humid out and he bumped his head on the air, or he pulled a groin reaching over to change the radio station in his truck or something. Congrats to Johnny Forzani for coming back to a football for the first time in his life. Either way, an interesting game.
Instead, I think I will focus this week on the debacle that was the Argonauts’ offense and defense. Sweet fancy Moses, I haven’t seen an offense that inept in a long time. I’m thinking Hamilton in the early 2000’s maybe. Frankly, the only offense I can think of offhand that is worse than Toronto’s came the next afternoon with a beauty effort from the Green and White, but I don’t want to step on any toes or violate site rules. My biggest question from the game is why Cleo Lemon is a starting quarterback and Jyles is not? Or Bell? Or Bishop? Or one of the Scotiabank Kid Captains? Here’s a list of what Lemon does very well: two and outs, getting sacked, turning the ball over. Here’s a list of what he does an average to below average job of: scrambling around before getting sacked. Here’s what he does poorly: everything you would want your starting quarterback to do well. I’d rather have Liz Lemon out there.
Which is unfortunate, because Toronto’s defense is actually pretty good. They held Calvillo and the Als to only 40 points, which sounds poor. However when you look at time of possession (cfl.ca won’t let me check the stats at the moment, but I’m pretty sure it was 57:14 to 2:46 in favour of the Als), the Argo defense was actually pretty stout. It’s hard for them to shut out the Alouettes when Lemon and that rookie running back turn the ball over every third play. This is a big difference from the Riders, who don’t play defense well, either. Toronto can’t win in this league relying solely on their return game, which is very good.
The Als have proven they are still the best, bar none. It’s not even close right now because I can’t give Edmonton credit yet. Their 3-0 record comes at the hands of teams which have gone a combined 0-9. Montreal, on the other hand, is scary good in all facets of the game. They are going to make you pay for any and all mistakes. Even with their top receiver out, they are able to get spectacular non-touchdowns that are record setters on home field that the league doesn’t have the stones to call back from guys like Deslauriers, who I think the coaches cut years ago but he kept showing up at practice and in the weight room so they kept him around to motivate the other guys. The Als send Avon on his way and they find Whitaker who explodes for a couple of hundred yards of total offense. Jamel “Jamal” Richardson gets hurt and Brandon London answers the bell. They can go ahead and book flights to B.C. for the end of November, barring any injuries or mouthguard-related choking fatalities to Calvillo.
- Hey Rod Black! It’s BUYING a stairway to heaven. Not CLIMBING a stairway to heaven. I could not in good faith perform my job as bad as he performs his and accept a paycheque. Idiot.
- Chip Cox is legit. Way better than the other Dix or that Ferri they have.
- Good to see Kitwana make a couple of plays. I think everyone was a fan of his in Saskatchewan, but he just didn’t fit with the Rider’s obscenely godawful schemes.
- Haven’t heard much from Anwar Stewart this year.
- Something tells me Black and Forde like Anthony Calvillo.
- Quote from the hypothetical Suber funeral that would have gone down today: He died doing what he loved: choking to death on a piece of rubber designed to keep his teeth and jaw in line.
- Can a Stamps team that almost lost to Joey Elliot and his torn MCL be any good?
- That Dwight Anderson may be unlikable, but at least he’s really, really ugly.
That’s it for me, folks. Off to Waskesiu to play golf, have a beer, and psych myself up to be thoroughly disappointed on Sunday. Thanks for reading, and if you like my style, follow me on Twitter @mr_rondeau for more!
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