The Jerk Store Called – Week Nine: Calgary at BC

Here we go!

I think it is important to preface this article by, again, noting my abject, blind, irrational hatred for both of these football teams. You will never hear me compliment anyone on either squad. I will never tell a soul that Joffrey Reynolds (and his ever-growing head…hmmmm….) is a bastion of class in the CFL. Never will I say anything positive about Geroy Simon. Every time I see an article about a sex offender in the Calgary Herald or the Vancouver Province, I naturally assume it’s a member of the aforementioned football teams. You know, hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife... And yet, again and again, I am disappointed. A few columns ago I said I wouldn’t cheer for the Lions if they were playing a team that featured Hitler and Osama Bin Laden. By that logic, I couldn’t cheer for them against the Stamps. However, I refuse to cheer for Fat Nik Lewis and the idiot brigade out of Cowtown. All I could hope for was a lightning strike or something.    

 This game sucked. The first half was decent in terms of points and it was close at the half. However, Henry Burris remembered he has absolutely no presence of mind in a close game and did his best to serve it up to the Loins, just as he tried to do against us at McMahon. Unfortunately for the Loins, they couldn’t grab the ball and run with it (wait, they did grab the ball from Henry. Thrice.).

What was close at halftime fell apart when the Stamps found their swagger and Casey Printers saw a calendar in the dressing room and realized it wasn’t 2004. I turned off the game when it was about 45-21 late, and somehow the Loins got a couple more garbage time touchdowns. Apparently, according to Sportscentre, one of those was punctuated by a hot-dog, wave-the-ball in-the-defender’s-face-while-you-slow-down-on-your-way-into-the-end-zone celebration perpetrated by Arceneaux. Idiot move by a loser on a gawdawful football team. Though, for so many reasons, apt and unsurprising.

I was impressed by a few things, though. Number one being just how fat Nik Lewis is. He is an athletic marvel that he can even move 14 yards without wheezing and needing a chair/oxygen. Cripes. I think it was Geroy that tweeted to Fat Lewis that there is no market for fat receivers in the CFL. Well, Geroy, I would retort that there is no need for aging “superstars” who think they are considerably better than they are. Another thing that impressed me was how Wally looked on the sidelines. He’s so much fun to root against that I think I would miss him if it is indeed his name in the Vancouver Province article next time. Someone should rig up a heart rate monitor to see just how close he is to the massive coronary which is inevitable unless the Loins somehow turn their season around.

This game was terrible. Oh well. It was a lot less painful to watch than the other game last weekend.

Random Notes

·         Cornish should see the field more.

·         McCallum somehow keeps kicking well. Too bad he didn’t decide to start working out until he thought his career was over.

·         As of today, Arjei Franklin is now R. J. Franklin. He can hang out with Lin J. Shell.

·         Empire Stadium looks as good as the Loins look bad. I’m jealous of my Pops who will be at the game on Halloween.

·         Paris Jackson is still my favourite of Michael Jackson’s daughters. Too bad he can’t handle blanket coverage. R.I.P. King of Pop/Pedophiles.

·         I just want to kick the life out of Winnipeg to get this taste out of my mouth.

That’s it for me, folks. I’ll be back next week. The whistles go WOOOOOO!